It isn't over...

I go days that truly seem like years without thinking about you… and then there are days like these where I do nothing but think about you. Some days I can speak of you like you mean nothing and then on these days I shed a tear anytime I you face pops into my head.

I’ve been in love with you since the moment we met and no matter how many terrible things you did to me… no matter that you left me for someone else and married her… I still feel lost without you…

I miss you… and I’m still in love with you…

I will probably never be happy because of it.

Im on a whole other level right now and people are just not stepping up. Their boring me. Im done with excuses for myself and living being unhappy in my skin. Im doing something about it and people are not getting it. I want more and I need more people to understand that. But why do I need it? I think thats my real issue. I cant do anything without some sort of recognition. I NEED to get over that. Sigh. Got to push through this shit and do what is best for me. Me me me…. For once in my life I need to care about me.

I am completely and utterly lonely. I hate that making a change means changing my looks.

Why is everyone so ok with this medicority? Im bored…. To death would be an understatement. No one ever just wants to go for a drive, be random, take off and not come back till 6am. Its work, drink, relationships, eat, fuck and sleep. Its boring. I do it too but once in a great while I just want to leave and not come home for awhile. Do what we did after high school. Argue and run away from homeless people in sf, sit on the beach and kiss in santa monica, sit on that hill and talk in sj, walk the neighborhood in lancaster, drive up the dark road to a secluded spot and get to know each other in fresno. I want these small moments times 10 and with some new people and with old friends. I hate having a plan sometimes. I hate waiting…. I have to try and remember I just got back but fuck I’m bored!

Im looking for romance. Not a relationship. Passion. Excitement. I’m looking for someone who wants to explore with me. I’m looking for all the wrong things but I’m ok with it.

Somedays I dont think of you. Other days I think of nothing but you. I wonder if I had just continued to turn a blind eye to your infidelity if I would be the one sleeping next to you right now. No one compares to you. I hate it. Not one man has even kept me interested in a friendship. Im bitter and it shows. Im hoping to wipe that stain off my face this year and finally move on. But I will always be missing pieces that I hope have burned you.

I post things like I just did and then I get lost in the thought of love. Ill never be happy… I feel like ill never find anyone who I want more with, someone other than just a fuck. No one intrugues me. No one gets me or can accept me… With all that said… I start to question you all over again… Im not over this… Im so not over this… Im done with this..

Seriously im only fucking you because I find you semi interesting, you boost my ego and your asshole mentality mimics mine. I dont want to date you and I could careless who else your seeing. So why do you feel the need to delete me and then readd me randomly. I really could careless I just find it odd t hat you deny it. Whats the point? Im not trying to date you just trying to fuck you randomly. Its not complicated. Boys.

You were the train wreck I could never stop….

Too bad you couldn’t kill me. I wish I was dead right now.

You got everything you wanted and I got nothing… Absolutly nothing.

If you were dead this would be easier… Too bad your not.

I don’t wish the best for you. I hope everything you did to me happens to you ten fold. I hope your perfect life burns and you have to sleep in the ashes.

But please before you do add one more nail in my coffin. You were always good at that.

Kill me. Bury me alive. Let me drown in my tears.